WHAT KIND OF PERFECTIONIST ARE YOU?

I'm a recovering perfectionist. Actually, that's not entirely true. I'm still a perfectionist, just I'm now much better at being able to take the positive elements of perfectionism and leave behind the remainder. That's enabled me to get things done rather than getting stuck in perfection paralysis.

Perfectionism has its place - the likes of Steve Jobs, Daniel Craig, and Gwyneth Paltrow demonstrate how much can be achieved when you strive for perfect. However, there is a difference between striving for success and pushing hard to avoid being a failure. The former lifts you up, the latter drags you down.

The former is what is termed "adaptive perfectionism". High - but realistic - standards are set, but you don't go into overdrive to try and achieve them nor beat yourself up if you don't achieve them. A different way of putting it - you take the positive parts of perfectionism, without allowing the perfectionism to control you.

The alternative is "maladaptive perfectionism". High - likely unachievable - standards are set. When they aren't achieved, the (inevitable) failure is internalised, creating negative self-talk, excessive over-work and poor mental health. Sound familiar?

There are a few ways to tackle maladaptive perfectionism, the below is my favourite. Its best worked through with a coach so that they can challenge your views and keep you focused, but it can still have an impact if its something you reflect on solo.

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The board room of your mind

Imagine your inner voice is like a board room pre-meeting, filled with chatter and hubbub, occasional laughter, and very rarely silence. Then the board meeting starts, and the topic of discussion is you, your life choices, behaviours, successes and failings.

For most people, some of those voices in your head - the board members - might be louder than others. Those "shouters" might be linked to a high school teacher, a strict parent, or a bad boss. They tell you that you aren't good enough, that you've done it wrong AGAIN, that you'll never be a success, etc etc. These voices drown out the other, kinder voices, from your friends, your family, your positive beliefs about who you are. Those loud voices might have a good intention - to protect you from failure, for example - but they also limit you and take up as much energy as any disruptive person on a board does. The voices change in make-up depending on what's going on in your life. For example, if there's a lot of uncertainty or if you're in a hyper-competitive culture, the more disruptive voices can be louder than usual.

So how do you change those loud, unconstructive voices?

1/ Get to know the board members, name them, get to know their character. Visualise them and their mannerisms. Give them names. What are the triggers that make the perfectionist voices louder than normal? For example, do they typically turn up when you're feeling vulnerable? Or when you're tired or stressed?

2/ Try and understand what the positive intention is behind the perfectionist-related voices. Its likely that they are pushing you to be perfect to "protect" you from failure.

3/ Clearly identify what the downside of this voice is, and what the impact is of them having a seat at your board room table - do they make you anxious, do they hold you back from doing things that you want to, or make you work more than is healthy? Do they make you spend hours adjusting the formatting on presentations so that the font is "just-so"? (I used to do that!)

4/ Find a way to credit the positive intent but dial down the negative outcome by adjusting language. You can do that by visualising turning down the volume on those perfectionist voices by, for example, sending them to the back of the room, or gagging them. Or it might be that you can shift their language - for example, change the voice that says "you aren't able to do that" to "you aren't able to do that yet". "Should" might become "could" or "might".

5/ You may find that, with the identification of the bully, changing their language and understanding what triggers them, their voice becomes quieter. But even with those changes, if you find that having them on your board isn't serving you, find a way to kick the bully out. Sometimes, visualising this can help. Wheel them out an open window. Visualise a bouncer throwing them out. However you want to handle it. You are choosing to not listen to them any more and to replace them with a more positive board that are supportive, get on with each other, and help you achieve the success you want. Your standards will be no less high, but the board will celebrate your successes, rather than generating unconstructive fear. You'll just become an alternative, even more successful, adaptive perfectionist.

Interested in finding out more about how coaching can help you overcome maladaptive perfectionism? Book a free 30 minute intro session here.

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